Sands, and pains of the past
by SonYukiGoku'sSister
Summary: Something is wrong with Goku? Can Sanzo help him? Alternative story of 'Sandstorm'. R&R please
1. Chapter 1

Sands, and pains of the past

Chapter 1

"What are you doing?" shouted Goku, seeing his father figure continuously hit the scorpion queen. "It's not like you to torture people this way," Gojyo added. Sanzo looked at them lividly. "Not like me?" said Sanzo coldly, "Then what is like me?" the statement brought a chill down Hakkai's spine. Goku looked down and walked towards Sanzo. "Goku?" asked Hakkai. The boy ignored him. He walked right up to Sanzo and kicked his leg, hard.

"You idiot, don't you know that hurts?"

"Hit me, then," Goku replied, "Hit me with that paper fan of yours and call me 'stupid chimp'. That's the Sanzo I know." Sanzo's eyes softened to his grumpy gaze, the disruptive aura that surrounded him disappeared.

"Hey," Sanzo questioned the youkai, "Where are the scriptures, mine and the other Sanzo's?"

"Scriptures?" replied the scorpion queen, "Yours is in the cabinet behind you, the other is somewhere in the castle." Sanzo stood and went for the cabinet. The scorpion queen grinned fiendishly and flexed her claws.

"Sanzo, look out!" shouted Goku. Sanzo felt himself pushed to the bed before he could do anything. He heard a sound he regretted. It was a sound of suppressed pain.

"Goku!" Hakkai shouted.

The youkai took the nails off his side, roughly and painfully. Goku fell to the ground and shivered. Sanzo jumped and pointed the gun at the youkai as if daring her to move. "Hakkai, take care of him," he barked. Hakkai knelt beside Goku and gasped. Purple liquid stained Goku's clothes.

"Goku," said Hakkai, clutching the boy's arm, "Hang on!"

"I'm trying to," Goku grunted, his face etched with pain. "Antidote," Sanzo requested in a deadly quiet voice, "Now." "Why should I need it?" sneered the youkai, "The poison doesn't effect me in any way..."

"Nyoibou!"

A long red rod went through her body. She gasped in pain, "Impossible! I'm immortal!" "Urasai!" Goku retorted as she disintegrated, surprising everyone in the room, "You've annoyed me enough..." He grunted in pain and fell limp on Hakkai's lap. "Goku!" Gojyo called. "Don't panic," said Hakkai, cradling the boy's head, "He just fainted. I guess that proves the Sanzo myth wrong."

Sanzo saw how desperate the situation was and opened drawer by drawer for his scripture until he found it.

There was a crash in the hall. "What was that?" asked Gojyo. Realisation hit Hakkai like a tidal wave. "No," he murmured, "We're underground right?"

"Yeah," replied Gojyo, "So?"

"You do know now what I tried to explain?" said Hakkai.

"Tell me you weren't that stupid?" said Sanzo.

The ceiling cracked before Gojyo could reply. Sanzo's first instinct was to shield Goku from the sand.

The sand did not hit them. But Hakkai was not using his energy shield, so why...?

Miraculously, the sand did not even bury them alive. Hakkai felt a sense of energy coming from somewhere. He knew it was neither Sanzo nor Gojyo, and it certainly was not him. He looked at Goku, but the boy was unconscious. Could he have been unconsciously protecting them? But then, Goku has been behaving differently nowadays, including the annoyed remark just then.

"Come closer to Goku!" Sanzo called. Hakkai and Gojyo did so without hesitation. The sand continued to pour around them then it slowly faded as they began to resurface into the scorching desert. Goku gasped as the sand faded around them. Presently, Hakuryu flew over to them, Hakkai was surprised that the little dragon could wait so long in that desert.

"Is Son Goku here?" the three men looked up to find Dokugakuji staring down at them. He looked worried and tired. "Yes, but he's, ah, at a weakened state as you can see," Hakkai replied.

"Perfect timing," replied the older man, whipping his head about as if he was trying to be wary of something. "What do you mean by that?" Gojyo asked, obviously annoyed with his brother.

"Kou just tried a..."

"Forbidden experiment?" finished Sanzo.

"Yes," said Dokugakuji hurriedly, "I suggest you take Goku to a safe place before he finds you," "Why were you looking for Goku in the first place?" asked Hakkai.

"He's the only person I know who can set Kougaiji stra... Darn!" he leapt before he could finish his sentence. A great force landed where he was. It was so great that it made the air thick with sand. As the dust cleared, what Sanzo, Hakkai and Gojyo saw made a chill go down their spine. It was so terrifying that not even words could descride it... Kougaiji had turned into something far worse than any of them could possibly imagine, it was as bad as Goku without his limiter. Sanzo nodded to Gojyo and Hakkai to go after the youkai prince and try to defeat whatever was causing the prince to be this horrible form.

Sanzo glanced at the boy in his arms as his other two companions went to help Dokugakuji. WHat he saw made him frown. Something was wrong. It was not only Goku's behaviour earlier, but also his sleeping face as to speak. It was pulled into a frown instead of his usual calm, cute look he had when he sleeps. His shallow breaths and his shivers made him look weaker. He lay the boy in the shade beside Hakuryu so to get him out of Kougaiji's view. A dead Goku was the last they needed, especially Kougaiji.

This fight better end quickly, he thought as he joined Hakkai and Gojyo to fight Kougaiji.

He noticed a red crystal hanging from the prince's neck. He knew what the crystal was and dreaded what was coming next.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Sanzo lay, hand on the bruise of his stomach. His gun flicked from his grasp as well as his scripture. He looked up at Kougaiji in anger and frustration. Not only did the battle went on for more than thirty minutes, making Goku's position even worse than before, Kougaiji did not have much trouble defeating them. They worked in a team to defeat the enchanted prince, but even that did not work.

Sanzo looked up at Kougaiji as the youkai prince raised his claw to cast a fatal stroke to Sanzo. So fast that not even Sanzo had time to dodge away.

All was silent within the second that followed.

Sanzo closed his eyes as he waited for the fatal blow, hoping Hakkai and Gojyo would be able to cure 'the stupid monkey'.

"Nyoibo!" a voice rang throughout the silent valley of sand and sun. A long red rod hit Kougaiji, tossing him a several feet away from Sanzo. Sanzo only blinked, not quite believing that moments before that he would have lost his life to Kougaiji without the prince's intention. It took the monk several seconds to see that rod was really a nyoibo staff. His eyes widened then. They only person who could use that particular staff was Goku. He was standing at the spot where Sanzo was separated from him. "Stupid Monkey!" Sanzo muttered to himself, clutching his stomach.

"How could he stand in his condition?" grunted Dokugakuji. "I don't know but the poison will spread faster if he moves," replied Hakkai, staring at Goku with worry and... fear.

Goku stood. His face was calm, but Hakkai could feel his anger emitting from his small body in which scorpion poison was slowly, and possibly painfully, circulated through his body. The only thing that could match Goku's anger there and then was his counterpart, Seiten Taisei.

"Come on then!" Goku was growling, his staff at the fighting stance.

"He's not...?" said Hakkai. Gojyo cut him off, shouting to Goku, "Idiot, he'll kill you!"

"Don't interfere," gasped Sanzo. "But Sanzo..." Hakkai protested. The monk cut him off, "If the monkey wants to kill himself, let him be." To anyone else apart from Gojyo, Hakkai and Dokugakuji, they would have thought Sanzo as a heartless being at that very moment, and would add confusion to why the monk had released the boy from his imprisonment in the first place. They knew what he meant was, "If I can't do it, Goku's his only hope!"

Kougaiji fought Goku and tried to get the boy off guard, only to get kicked in the stomach by Goku. The youkai prince lay in the sand from the collision. Goku narrowed his golden eyes to the prince as if waiting for the next move.

He made a swift kick that brought Goku to the ground at least twenty feet away. Dusts formed between then as Kougaiji ran towards the boy. Goku picked himself up while Kougaiji drew near. At the point of collision, their eyes locked, gold and violet. Dust rose around them as their friends heard the sound of shattering glass.

Then, the dust cleared. They saw Goku sitting several feet from where he was standing holding Kougaiji over his lap with one arm and his staff in the other. There lines in the sand trailing his boots. Red crystals embedded the trails created by the boots turned into red foam in the desert sun. At the position they saw Goku, it was as if.... as if he was trying to prevent Kougaiji from falling head first into the sand. The prince was back to his normal state. Goku looked down at the red haired youkai prince with an unreadable expression on his face. "Kono baka..." he murmured, fainting; his arm still around the youkai prince.

Hakkai and Dokugakuji ran to them. Kougaiji was unconscious but unhurt; Goku otherwise was far worse than he was minutes before. "Thank him for me when he wakes up," said Dokugakuji, though he was unsure if Goku would ever wake up. "We will," said Hakkai, hoisting Goku gently.

Hakuryu flew over just then and convinced Hakkai he was strong enough to travel as a jeep. Goku did not look good. He won't die that easily, Hakkai thought to himself, I know he won't. He hoped he was right.

They reached the same desert inn. The innkeeper heard the jeep rush and instantly ran outside. He took one look at Goku and gathered the boy in his arms. "He needs an immediate treatment, and lots of water, as do you three."

"Thank you," Hakkai murmured. "The boy's not out of the storm yet," said the innkeeper, "It'll be a long night, if he survives it..."

Not one of the three men left Goku's side that long, _long_, night. It was not just the poison that was ailing him. He had desert fever and was dehydrated. What made it worse was the fevered dreams that had attacked him. His body writhed and twitched with pain. The keep hearing Goku shouting and finding himself in the stone cage again. Gojyo could feel his own tears forming as he held Goku, keeping his arms from flailing. He had never seen the boy so vulnerable and angry. Very much like a sick animal.

"Agh!" Goku yelled for the umpteenth time that night. "Get some pain killers," Gojyo ordered. Hakkai hesitated only for a moment when he realised how bad off Goku was. As he hurried, he thought about the danger Goku was facing now. That yell was evident enough to tell him that Goku was not just suffering from the effects of scorpion poison, or even dehydration and desert fever combined. The boy was going through some sort of pain that attacked his mind. Now that I think about it, Hakkai thought, retrieving the pain killers and rushing back to the room, how long has this pain been attacking Goku?

The boy calmed down as soon as Sanzo injected the pain killer. Getting off the boy, Gojyo sighed out of exhaustion. This had been one of the numbered attacks that night and Goku was even worse than before. Now tears came from his eyes as he tossed and turned feverishly. "Father..." he mumbled, "I'm sorry... I...I... can't..." Sanzo narrowed his eyes. "Goku?" he murmured, gently shaking the boy's shoulder, "I'll... t...try to... be strong..." Goku gasped, "I... pro...mise..." He became silent then. It was evident to them that Goku had fallen into a deep slumber, which hopefully will let him sleep peacefully for a few hours.

"What the heck was that about?" Sanzo wondered aloud. No one answered, no one understood. But they now know why Goku was acting _differently_. His dreams were haunting him. How long has he been hiding it?

()()()()

What Goku was seeing moments before was bloodied bodies, familiar faces, voices and names rising and fading from his memory again and again. Haunted voices saying, "Murderer... murderer... murderer..." shot through his mind several times. Goku ran, trying to get away from the screaming and the haunting voices. He felt his insides screaming with haunted fear, loss and anger until two warm arms surrounded him. They pulled him into a loving embrace, and held him close. One hand, stroked his hair soothingly, making him feel safe.

A voice similar to Sanzo's reached his ears. "We'll be together again someday, I promise. Be string..." Goku remembered the hands that had held him so protectively. His heart screamed with the pain of loss as images of three men entered his mind. One with kind green eyes and shoulder length black hair, another with red eyes and hair, and the last with long blond hair and amethyst eyes.

"Be strong, my son," the man with long blond hair repeated. Tears came from Goku's eyes as he opened them. With a heavy hand, he roughly, and weakly, rubbed the tears away from his eyes. "Tch... baka; I'm not strong, father," he said aloud. "One thing's for certain, kiddo," came Gojyo's voice, "you're not weak either, and I'd kill you before you're dead."

A shadow loomed over the boy before he could speak. He blinked his eyes again and was greeted by a pair of soft green eyes. Hakkai's eyes.

Hakkai was putting a cold cloth on Goku's head. "How do you feel?" the healer asked gently as he sat down. Goku knew the healer was far from calm, he knew Hakkai was worried. Goku could not bring himself to look at them. "Pathetic," Goku muttered. "You're starting to sound like your owner," said Gojyo. Goku decided to ignore that. "How long was I out?" he asked, finally turning towards Hakkai, "About four days," Hakkai replied, "You took a lethal dose and moved so much, it's a miracle the poison or even the desert fever didn't kill you."

"Either you're too stubborn to give in or you're just too stupid to die," chuckled Gojyo. "Gojyo," chided Hakkai. Goku turned his back towards them. "I'd say it's the latter," he muttered. The statement surprised both men. Goku was admitting that he was an idiot? "Why do you say that?" asked Hakkai. " 'Cause I'm a 'stupid chimp' remember?" Goku replied through clenched teeth. "Come on, Goku," Gojyo urged, "there's has to be a different reason..." Goku turned back towards them. His golden eyes glazed with depression.

"Everything went blank," he murmured. Gojyo looked at Hakkai, confused. Hakkai shrugged because he did not understand either, "Clarify that a bit, please," said Gojyo, temper rising. "When I saw Sanzo turn around everything went blank, all sorts of ideas started spinning in my head, like it did when Sanzo got stabbed, and the next thing I knew, I was stabbed and poisoned and... Kougaiji was fighting. Somehow I... you'll laugh, 'cause it's silly, I thought I heard him calling out to someone, anyone to be free. It's as if he was forced into that forbidden experiment." Hakkai ruffled Goku's hair and said, "No Goku, it's not silly," Gojyo considered it for a moment, then said, "Hakkai's right kiddo, it's not."

Unknown to them, Sanzo stood outside the room, listening. He clenched his teeth. His charge was obviously in more pain than he would let out. He went back to the other room which he was sharing with Gojyo and started smoking. Thinking about what he had heard moments before... Ideas spinning around his head? Blank state? Bull!There was something bothering Goku and he knew it. It was an hour later when Hakkai and Gojyo came to join him.

"How is he?" asked Sanzo as they entered the room. "He's asleep. The scorpion poison is no longer a threat, but his fever has not subsided," Hakkai answered, surprised by the question, "He's won't be well enough to travel for at least a week, even if I made his position comfortable." Silence rang in the room.

"It's going to disturb our journey," said Sanzo, looking out the window. "We can't leave him here!" Gojyo protested. "I wasn't even implying that, water sprite," snapped Sanzo. "So what should we do?" asked Hakkai tactfully, trying to calm the atmosphere between the smokers. It took Sanzo awhile before he could answer. Sanzo knew the bond between Goku and Hakkai was somewhere parent-child and best friend; to Gojyo, Goku was a younger brother. To Sanzo, Goku was... something that could never be replaced. Sanzo would never be above admitting that he loved Goku like a son, but sooner or later, they probably had to know. "We'll have to take the chance," said Sanzo, "What else?"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Talk to him," said Hakkai for the third time in the row – the row of meals, that is. He showed them the tray of food he brought to Goku minutes before. Except for the glass that was filled with water, it was left untouched. Goku was not eating?

It seemed to Gojyo that three times was the charm. Sanzo stood from his chair, walked up to Hakkai, took the plate of meat buns and shut the door behind him. It was then that Gojyo had a dreadful feeling that something bad was going to happen.

Sanzo shut the door. He then strode to the bed and shook Goku roughly, knowing full well the boy was not really asleep. While Goku stretched and rubbed his puffy eyes, Sanzo put the plate of meat buns on his without a word. "Sanzo?" Goku queried, wondering why Sanzo had shaken him roughly awake to hold the plate of meat buns. "Just shut up and eat," the priest ordered.

"But I'm not..." Goku began but was cut off as Sanzo did not wait for an excuse. The priest took a meat bun from the plate on the boy's lap and shoved it into Goku's mouth before the boy could finish his sentence. Unable to chew or breathe, Goku swallowed the bun whole and made pass painfully down his oesophagus down to his stomach before he was able to speak again.

"What are you trying to do, choke me?" Goku gasped. Sanzo had enough. It was possibly the intense heat that distorted his mind, or possibly the intense worry; whatever it was, what he did next would bring him a storm of regrets.

"Just what the hell is bugging you?" he snapped, slapping Goku across the face. Sanzo's eyes widened as he looked down at his hand, stinging from the contact of Goku's face. What have I done? Goku bowed his head. His brown hair, thin with fever, hid his golden eyes. "Nothing for you to be concerned about," he then murmured, in answer to Sanzo's question.

"You've been mumbling, 'Father, I'm sorry I can't, but I'll try to be strong, I promise...'" Sanzo said quietly, but with unintended cruelty, "I don't see that as something that I shouldn't be concerned about." "Why should it concern you in the first place?" the boy countered, "You don't even know what a father is!"

Sanzo lifted an eyebrow, a vein pulsed in his forehead.

"Don't I?" he asked icily.

"You don't look it," said Goku, impassively.

"Well, guess what, I did have someone who was a father to me. And he happened to be a my master," Sanzo informed him coldly. Goku whipped his head around to meet Sanzo's eyes. They both participated in a civil war staring contest.

"Why are you like this then, cold and distant?" Goku asked venomously, moments later. Sanzo's eyes narrowed into slits. Their eyes continued to lock with anger. "Are you saying this is the result of my master?" Sanzo replied matching Goku's voice.

"You said it, I didn't," Goku replied, deadpan.

"I have no time for this," Sanzo snapped, getting up, "Well, neither do I," replied Goku, turning his back towards the priest. "Just go to sleep," Sanzo muttered.

"Maybe I will," Goku snarled, not looking at his guardian, "Get out!"

"Drop dead!" Sanzo snapped before he could even stop himself. Sanzo did not blink when a nyoibo lengthened past his head, missing him by an inch. It made a loud thud as it hit the wall. Behind him, Goku's voice was just as deadly, "Get. Out!"

Hakkai and Gojyo heard the thud in the next room. A slam of a two doors came shortly afterwards. They winced, having an idea what had occurred. It was awhile before either of them spoke. "Well," Gojyo began sarcastically, "That went _well_."

"I was afraid of this," Hakkai sighed, shaking his head. He strained his ear for the crashing of plates and trays, and possible screaming, from the room Goku occupied and was surprised that none came. He continued to stroke Hakuryu who was resting on his lap. "You've noticed it too, eh?" said Gojyo. Hakkai nodded.

"He's been like that since... Toufa and her sisters died, I think," Hakkai murmured. Gojyo sighed at the memory of the four sisters forced by a parasitic youkai to kill them not too long ago. The incident had scarred their youngest member far more deeply than the three of them put together. They knew as much as Sanzo did that the four girls were innocent lives in search for freedom. And that freedom was death... Was that what has been bothering Goku recently? Was it because freedom can be a cruel thing?

Sanzo had given him freedom after five hundred years in a stone cage. While he was in the cage, he stopped ageing making him a child, alone without anyone to lean on and to be loved by. Although this made Goku the eldest amongst them, he was also the youngest. To Goku freedom meant to never be held back. What the boy did not realise is that even death meant freedom; except that in death one would not be able to change anything.

Inside the other room. Tears leak feverishly from Goku's eyes as hugged his pillow. He could not possibly tell anyone why he was not being his usual vibrant self. He did not want to. He thought back on the _full blown civil war_ that happened moments before and squeezed his eyes shut, causing more tears to pour down his cheeks. He was allowed to be sad sometimes wasn't he?

The dreams... He knew they were not just fragments of the past... He knew it was not just rubbish his brain was trying to get rid of.... They were real memories!

He remembered their faces. One stern, one boyish and one kind. Very similar, and yet very different from the three whom he considered a family now! Goku cried as he remembered how close their relationships became as they got to know each other better. What made it so much worse was that he could not remember their names! He only knew that they were his family. His first family, for that matter! And he was selfishly, and childishly mourning for them!

Goku then thought back on the fight with Kougaiji just days before. He kept hearing the shouts of pain of his friends while they fought Kougaiji in that most unholy state. Goku could still hear the wretched prince's heart screaming for help.

Goku knew that not all youkai are evil. They co-existed amongst humans before the minus wave. Just thinking about it made Goku cry again.

Life was unfair. The boy understood that but it seemed more unfair now than it ever was before. Had the minus wave not happened, or even existed, Sanzo would lived happily with his master would he not? And he would be stuck in that cave inside the cave, not bringing death to anyone.

And the slap from Sanzo moments before. No one had ever done that to him before.

Goku then thought his latest conversation with Hakkai and Gojyo. Tears came to his eyes again, he had hated to lie to them, especially Hakkai who was so nice to him. He knew Sanzo could tell that he was hiding something from them; maybe that was why he slapped him.

Goku turned over then and cried himself to sleep.

He slept for awhile only to be woken by Hakkai, telling him that he had supper ready and brought up to him. This act of kindness made Goku want to cry again. He tried to excuse himself by explaining to Hakkai that he was not hungry and just wanted to sleep. "At least eat something small," Hakkai coaxed, "you haven't eaten anything since we came here, and that was six days ago. You've only been drinking water." As if to emphasise his point, Goku's stomach growled. The boy sighed and gave in. Though it was his favourite food, beef noodle, Goku did not seem to taste it. He also did not seem to see Hakkai looking worriedly at him.

It worried Hakkai that Goku was suppressing his feelings. He watched as Goku slowly ate the beef noodle he loved so much, especially since the healer himself made it. Hakkai knew Goku enjoyed his cooking. He sat beside the boy, gazing intently with his lone green eye.

Goku had his head bowed as he ate, his brown hair hiding his eyes. Hakkai caught himself wishing he could see the sunshine in them again. It was then he saw a red hand mark where it looked as if someone had slapped the boy. He knew he himself would not would slap anyone, especially not Goku, unless it was completely necessary. And even though Gojyo and Goku fought a lot, Gojyo would not physically abuse Goku in such a way as it reflects his own abused childhood. The only person who had fought with Goku as recently as today was Sanzo. An even deeper red mark on the middle finger which looked as if it came from a ring, similar to the size of the metal band attached to Sanzo's gloves.

Hakkai just stared at the red hand mark. Hitting Goku with the paper fan and calling him 'stupid monkey' was one thing, but slapping him? Hakkai felt his fists clench. Leader or not, Hakkai was not going to forgive Sanzo for worsening the situation, not until the priest apologised to the boy.

A small noise of discomfort brought the healer back to reality. He looked up in time to see Goku trying to get out of bed without his noticing. "You need to go into the little men's room?" asked Hakkai with a small smile, hoping to bring back at least an iota of his youngest friend's innocent smile.

If Hakkai did manage to get that smile back, he _did not_ see it.

In fact, Goku's lips were tighter than before.

"Yes, please," Goku replied, his voice barely above a whisper.

Hakkai supported his young friend as he guided Goku to the bathroom. Again he thought about the red hand mark on the boy's face. He was thinking about it so hard he did not notice Goku leaning heavily on the door frame as he got out of the bathroom, trying to find a way to get to bed without help.

Goku fell with a loud 'THUMP' onto the wooden floor. Even though the floor was not cemented, the wood was hard enough to cause a bruise to form on Goku's left elbow. Hurt, Goku felt tears welled up in his eyes as he tried to pick himself up. A pair of gentle hands touched his shoulders and hoisted him gently, allowing him to lean against the owner of those hands. Again, the act of kindness made Goku want to cry.

"I'm fine, Hakkai," Goku protested softly as the older brunette finally lowered him to the bed. Hakkai knew better than to admonish the protest Goku made when he looked into the swirling pools of sadness in the boy's eyes. Instead he covered Goku with a blanket and reached for the bowl of chilled water where a clean wash cloth was soaking. He wrung out the excessed water, and wiped the boy's hot face. To his surprise, Goku did not object to it.

"This is just to help your fever," the healer explained gently, finally settling the cold cloth on Goku's head. Goku nodded, too miserable to argue and the cool cloth felt good on his hot face. "Thank you," he murmured, pretending to drift off to sleep. He resumed crying after Hakkai left and fell asleep soon afterwards.

Outside, in the hallway, as he closed the door, Hakkai noticed Sanzo looking at him. Not wanting to interact with the blond, the healer gave Sanzo a cold shoulder and made sure the monk noticed. He went back into the room where Gojyo was. Sanzo went into the single room, mentally cursed and smoked as he stared out the window.

More out of habit than anything, Sanzo continued to smoke. There was no drink in the room to help him get his mind off the day's events. He knew Hakkai would not be please if he saw him, while Gojyo may pick a fight for hurting the monkey. Irritated, Sanzo paced the room without all types of thoughts and memories that he had been trying to push away from his mind and was only partially successful.

The moon was high as he finished his last cigarette. He looked at the heap of cigarettes in the ash tray and was not very surprised to find a bit of a mountain – that usually happened on rainy days. He sat on the bed and sighed, thinking about the _civil war_ with Goku. What if the blank state and the darkness was not completely a lie. If anything, Goku hated to lie.

"What am I going to do?" he murmured, head in his hands. "Just apologise to him," said a voice. Startled, Sanzo reached for his gun and aimed at the intruder. A silhouette of a beautiful woman came into his view as the moonlight shone on her robe. The figure appeared to be annoyingly familiar... "Oh, do relax Konzen," the figure soothed, laughing, "I'm only visiting for a few minutes."

"Oh, great," Sanzo groaned, "The last person I wanted to see."

"No... How mean," Kanzeon said in mock hurt. Her tone became serious then, "If you really need to know, I came to help you sort out your banter with Goku." She then took out a small shining golden object. To Sanzo it looked a lot like a locket.

"What does _that_ have to do with Goku now?" he asked pointedly.

"Open it," said Kanzeon, giving Sanzo the locket, "Only Jiroushin and I know about it." Sanzo looked at the locket. He then opened it and held it out in the moonlight.

Inside it said:

_Konzen, Tenpou,_

_Kenren and Goku._

_Forever a family..._

Realization hit Sanzo like a tidal wave there and then!

"He knew these men?" asked Sanzo. "Yes, they were his family before I locked him up," Kanzeon shrugged, "It's only recently I found it necessary to open. His father would have hated to see him suffer."

"Why did you hide this?" he asked, looking sceptically at his _aunt_.

Author's note: Hard chapter to write. (wince) Sorry.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Sanzo pushed the door open gently. He crept inside and closed it with a soft click. He then walked over to the bed which Goku occupied. Hakkai had placed a cool cloth on the boy's head earlier to help the fever. He lightly touched the cloth and discovered how warm it was. Gently, he took the warm cloth of the boy's brow and dipped it in the cool water.

As he watched at his charge, Sanzo thought back four days before. He thought about the monster that had slowly been eating Kougaiji's soul away, as he wrung out the excess water from the wash cloth.

_As Sanzo set unconscious Goku down in the shade, he felt an evil aura behind him. He knew it was coming from Kougaiji._

_He ran to help Hakkai and Gojyo as they battled the evil that blanketed Kougaiji's soul, slowly killing him, taking him away from reality and consciousness. Twice, Sanzo tried using the Maten Sutra to finish the curse of the red crystal hanging around Kougaiji's neck, but the cursed prince laid a painful blow on him that he did not have a single chance both times. Even with Dokugakuji, Gojyo and Hakkai to help him._

Sanzo gently brushed away the strand of hair from Goku's face and pressed the cloth to his forehead, causing the boy to moan. The priest's eyes softened as he ran a hand through the thinned brown hair, regretting that it was not as silky as he remembered.

_The first blow had caused a bruise to form. The next caused his insides to bleed... it caused him to fall._

"Shh…" the priest hushed, gently running the cold wash cloth over Goku's hot tear stained cheeks.

_He could not move. So he lay, awaiting the near fatal blow... then he heard the voice he knew so well..._

Goku slowly opened his eyes and just looked at him, his eyes unreadable. A staring contest started again, but this time, it was with question.

"_He knew these three?" asked Sanzo._

"I'm sorry..." Sanzo murmured, looking at his ward straight in the eye.

Goku continued to stare at him as the monk brought the wash cloth down his hot neck. His golden eyes unreadable. Sanzo continued to wash his face, uncomfortable at the staring.

Suddenly, to the monk's surprise, the boy threw himself against him. Sanzo would have shoved the boy for hugging him, but for some reason he could not. Instead he returned the embrace and felt the boy's shoulders shaking.

"_They were his family before I locked him up," Kanzeon was saying. "It was the most painful decision you had to make before you died."_

"_He was my **son **before?" asked Sanzo. Kanzeon nodded, "That explains why I heard his voice," Sanzo murmured. He thought for a moment, "Wait a minute..."_

A soft sob emitted from Goku. It relieved Sanzo that Goku was crying openly. It showed the monk that he was back to normal.

He held Goku in his arms the way a father would. "Why did you hide your pain?" he asked Goku, after a while.

"_You're saying that I'm the incarnation of this Konzen?" asked Sanzo, "Goku's dad?"_

"_Explains a lot, doesn't it?" asked Kanzeon, "You were his adopted father."_

"I was afraid you'd think it was childish," the boy sobbed, "because I'm already childish enough."

Sanzo winced at Goku's reply.

"Trying to remember one's past and to have only one linkage to that past is not childish," Sanzo admonished gently.

Goku did not look at him. He clutched his father figure's arm and was grateful that he could hear the priest's heartbeat, to able to feel the cool, yet inwardly warm, touch of Sanzo's hands.

"It would be when you're given a second family and a second chance," he murmured. Sanzo sighed, the 'behold nothing' part may have come from himself. There was turningn around and taking back about 'beholding nothing'. They fight for themselves, true, but that did not mean that they did not care for each other. "No, Goku, it isn't," said Sanzo, gently ruffling the boy's brown hair, "If you had told me earlier, I would've..."

"What could you do?" Goku sobbed, "How many people know the names of people from 500 years ago?" He continued before Sanzo could answer, "I was given a second family, I shouldn't mourn for my first." Sanzo tightened his grip around his charge as he allowed the boy to cry. This was amongst the times when he found how much like a child Goku still was.

"For one thing, if you had told me, I would have understood," said Sanzo, "And it's okay for you to mourn. It shows that you still love them, just don't let it take over your life."

He chuckled then. "Otherwise you'd end up like me."

Goku did not laugh, but his crying subsided due to letting this information sink in. He then clutched the other's arm more tightly, and allowed his shoulders to weigh down with guilt again.

"Why didn't you leave me here?" asked Goku, "I don't want to be a burden..." "Don't even think that," said Sanzo sharply, "You never were a burden." He paused for a moment, "You heard me, didn't you?" "Not consciously..." Goku murmured.

The priest sighed tiredly, running a hand through the golden fibres of his hair before bringing it down to rub soothing circles between the boy's shoulder blades. "You're a pain and a half sometimes," said Sanzo, "But _**you were never a burden**_, and you never will be." The priest could hear the suppressed tears beginning to unfold.

"We need you..." he continued, "I need you..." Goku cried even harder. _You said I was your sun, _Sanzo thought as he held the boy in his arms, rocking him, _but you are __**our**__ sun, you gave us something to live for, even if we've said that we are all on our own sides._ He continued to rock the boy until Goku fell asleep. Content with what was done , and free from guilt, Sanzo allowed his charge to lay his head on his lap. Sanzo sat there as sleep crept up to him and swallowed into inner peace.

Sanzo woke up with dawn's sunlight in his eyes. He got up from his position from the chair and checked on Goku. The boy's fever surprisingly subsided in comparison to the night before. It should only be a day or two more until they would travel again.

"I see you manage to get him to open up," said a voice. Sanzo looked up to find Kanzeon smirking down at him. Instead of his usual annoyed look, Sanzo gave her a smirk in return. Looking down at Goku, he asked, "Mind telling me why you're not allowing him to remember, or even allow him to?"

Kanzeon's face became serious. She sighed. "Like you, his past is filled with despair," she explained, "I only took his memories away to protect him, as _his father_ had asked." Caressing Goku's sleeping face, Kanzeon smiled, "He ought to rest more easily now. You have no idea how the world of dreams protect those who are constantly haunted by their past."

Goku whimpered. Sanzo knew he was trying to push away a bad dream.

Kanzeon kissed Goku lightly on his forehead, "Dream a happy dream little one," she said, "You're no longer in danger." With that, she disappeared. The sun had now fully risen, bathing the desert with its light.

"Care to tell me why you hit him? Or is that why you're in here in the first place?" said a cool voice. Sanzo looked up to find Hakkai with a cold look on his face, telling him, "Hurt him again, you'll face my wrath." The priest looked down at his charge and back at the before giving his answer.

"I had no reason to," replied Sanzo, "It was neither in my place nor was it my right to do so."

The healer's eyes darkened. It would be sometime before he could trust the blond to handle the boy. He merely nodded and sat in a chair, near the bed. They were both silent for a long while until Sanzo asked, "You wanted to tell me something?" another pause, "Or is it about that red crystal?"

"There's something that bothers me," said Hakkai. "Hn?" asked Sanzo. "Wasn't there supposed to be two of those red crystals?" he asked, "If there is..."

"Why bother looking for it?" replied Sanzo, "It's not like Kougaiji's going to try it again any time soon. Especially since Goku's mad at him."

"True," agreed Hakkai. His gaze shifted to the small form in bed. Head on the lap of his father figure. He hope Goku would forgive the prince for being rude at this point. The healer thought back on the day Dokugakuji said, "Thank him for me when he wakes up..." Just how are they going to tell Goku?

**The next day...**

"You sure you ready to travel?" asked Gojyo sceptically. Goku sighed heavily, "I've been in bed all week!" he protested. "You do realise that you might be stuck in bed for a month if you over exert yourself," said Gojyo. "Good point," Goku consented, munching on a meat bun. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he was still weak from fever, but he was eating again. Hakkai let his stiff muscles relaxed for the first time that week. Everything was peaceful, everyone was all right, the moment was good... for now.

OWARI

Coming up: The sequel to this story: The Red Crystal. Thank you all for your support.


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